The Wreck of the Edward Fitzgerald

Reminiscent of the ill-fated ship that met its tragic end on the Great Lakes in November 1975, Ed Fitzgerald is headed for his own November disaster. Its impossible to capture every detail of his inept campaign, but the following parody song and video covers most of the major milestones. Full lyrics with linked references are below the video.

He wanted his fame, from Lakewood he came
the next city due west from Cleveland.
They elected him mayor, his face handsome and fair
the big win gave Ed a good feelin’.
Ambitious as all, Eddie once took a call
from his crooked pal Jimmy Dimora.
He said do ya think my friend could manage the rink
in your town on the Lake Erie shore-a.

Ed needed a dime so said I’ll make the time
and took cash from William Neiheiser.

The deck was now stacked and Bill got the contract
No one in Lakewood was any the wiser.
Next in Ed’s deck was county exec
The Feds sent dozens of his cronies to jail.
His diva decree, use a capital G
If you don’t, he’ll cry, moan and wail.

A bit of a snob, he didn’t much like his job
played on Facebook while council was meeting.
He’s leaving his mark, keeps them in the dark
Council’s trust in Fitz has become fleeting.
In the governors race, the Dems had to save face
old Jello Ted declined to get beaten.
They searched high and low, all their favorites said no
Desperate, they’d run any cretin.

Up stepped Eddy Fitz, sure he was the pits
but the bottom of the barrel they were scrapin’.
It wouldnt be fun but no one would run
Around Eddy their ticket was shapin’.
His first press release, the fail increased
Got the date wrong for his first rally.
In the union hall, the crowd was so small,
Started the wreck of the Edward Fitzgerald.

The county Ed runs, bad news here it comes,
Cuyahoga’s credit downgraded.
Ed was weeks slow, to let council know
They werent happy to not be updated.
Ed’s new running mate was incredibly late
the backtaxes he owed were just crazy
He failed to vet, his own party would fret
Ed’s competence looked even more hazy.

Kearney was through, Fitz said I’m done with you
The announcement was quite a contortion.
His options were few, but he found someone new,
in Sharen the queen of abortion.
In a parking lot dark, slick Eddie would park.
In his car with a blonde Irish beauty.
The witness did say it was rocking away
Called the cops to come do their duty

My friends they are lost was the excuse that Ed tossed
Can we see your license for driving?
I drive to events but I’ve only got temps
Further down his approval was diving
Ten years it was found Fitz was driving around
No license to drive in his wallet
His fundraising is trash can’t raise enough cash
Eds loss in November now solid.

Author: Nick

I was born and raised in Ohio. After growing up in the Columbus area, I moved to Cleveland to study at Case Western Reserve University, and have lived in Northeast Ohio ever since. I live in Wellington with my wife and son. I work in the private sector and have never worked in the political field.