From: The Nobel Peace Prize Selection Committee
To: President Barack Obama
Dear Mr. President:
When we hastily awarded you the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009, it was obvious to everyone that the decision was not based on merit. Of course you didn’t deserve the award, but we give the Peace Prize to lots of people who don’t deserve it, like Yasser Arafat, Jimmy Carter, and Al Gore.
While we cited your “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples,” everybody knows that the real reason we chose you was to thumb our collective noses at that warmonger, George W. Bush. You were different: a man of reason, and peace. You seemed so meek and mild, some of us on the selection committee gave you the nickname “Obambi.” So since we all despise Mr. Bush, for the love of Pete, we’d greatly appreciate it if you would quit acting like him.
Now we know that you had to wack Osama. In addition to bringing the 9-11 murderer to justice, it is rumored that your operatives confiscated reams of valuable intelligence, and several years’ supply of Grecian formula. But some of your other not-so-peaceful . . . indiscretions . . . aren’t as easily overlooked.
For example, shortly after becoming President, you declared that you were closing the Guantanamo Bay terrorist detention center. But almost two and a half years later, it’s still operating. On the same day as the Gitmo announcement, you signed an executive order banning harsh interrogation techniques. We applauded that U.S. intelligence agents would now be limited to sending uncooperative terrorists to bed without their milk and cookies.
Then, to our horror, less than two weeks later, you decided to preserve the practice of rendition, which is basically akin to outsourcing torture! But you were just getting started. Before two more weeks had gone by, you decided to send an additional 17,000 troops to Afghanistan. Oh, and that little trip you took to China last year was rather embarrassing: Our 2009 Peace Prize winner visiting the country that’s holding our 2010 winner, Liu Xiaobo, prisoner.
As if troops in Iraq and Afghanistan weren’t enough, you started another war in Libya without congressional authorization. You call it a “kinetic military action,” but that’s a little like calling Governor Schwarzenegger’s affair with his maid a “kinetic employee relationship.” You also recently announced that some Guantanamo Bay detainees would be given military trials. And just last night, after railing against it in your presidential campaign, you reauthorized the Patriot Act.
And we’d be remiss if we didn’t mention the nice job you’re doing fostering Middle East peace. You managed to insult the Israeli Prime Minister while at the same time inciting those nice fellas from Hamas even more than when you killed Bin Laden. Maybe you should patch things up by holding another beer summit before an “Obamafada” begins.
Now we know your left-wing base, other than Peter Fonda, will look the other way. John Kerry won’t compare you to Genghis Khan and Robert Redford won’t threaten to move to Ireland if you don’t start comporting yourself like a namby-pamby liberal. But here in Oslo, we don’t know what to do about this. Although Pippa Middleton is currently in the lead (Isn’t she cool?), we’re half-tempted to give this year’s prize to Syria’s Bashar Assad just to make you look good. Or, and take this as a warning, Mr. Obama, it’s not unheard of for high profile awards to be revoked. Just ask another Bush, Reggie, about that.