The Ohio Senate is considering a bill that would require voters to identify themselves using photo identification. This may seem like a good idea, as photo identification is commonly required to cash a check, buy a firearm, or purchase alcohol and tobacco. However, I’m going to have to side with the ACLU and the Huffington Post on this one. Requiring a photo i.d. would be unfair to a wide variety of voters, including, but not limited to, the following:
Amazonian Tribes: Members of these cultural groups do not frequent DMVs and still believe that photographers are trying to steal their souls.
The Amish: They also don’t drive automobiles and not fond of posing for pictures.
People who are texting: Duh! They’re too busy to look up from their phones.
Celebrities: They’re, like, famous, so everyone should already know who they are.
Amnesiacs: They can’t remember who the person in the photo is.
Illegal Aliens: In order to vote, these individuals would have to produce false identification, which would be against the law, except in Arizona.
Nudists: Where are they going to carry it? (Don’t go there.)
Sleepwalkers: Waking them up to ask for i.d. would be dangerous.
Al-Qaeda terrorists: Though they would desperately love to vote for Sherrod Brown, many of these individuals are on watchlists.
Vampires: They don’t show up in mirrors or photographs, though like liberals, they’re bloodsuckers who feed on unsuspecting citizens.
Anthony Weiner: Since he is no longer primarily identified by photographs of his face.
Super-rich Democrat donors: They have chauffeurs and therefore don’t need driver’s licenses. Also see ‘celebrities’, above.
Key Democrat constituencies: The homeless, the mentally ill, and other groups likely to be rounded up in busses on election day, driven to the polls, and paid to vote for Democrats.
President Obama: He’d rather use his recently found birth certificate.