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Say Cheese: Ohio’s Photo I.D. Bill not Fair to Democrats


The Ohio Senate is considering a bill that would require voters to identify themselves using photo identification. This may seem like a good idea, as photo identification is commonly required to cash a check, buy a firearm, or purchase alcohol and tobacco. However, I’m going to have to side with the ACLU and the Huffington Post on this one. Requiring a photo i.d. would be unfair to a wide variety of voters, including, but not limited to, the following:


Amazonian Tribes: Members of these cultural groups do not frequent DMVs and still believe that photographers are trying to steal their souls.


The Amish: They also don’t drive automobiles and not fond of posing for pictures.


People who are texting: Duh! They’re too busy to look up from their phones.


Celebrities: They’re, like, famous, so everyone should already know who they are.


Amnesiacs: They can’t remember who the person in the photo is.


Illegal Aliens: In order to vote, these individuals would have to produce false identification, which would be against the law, except in Arizona.


Nudists: Where are they going to carry it? (Don’t go there.)


Sleepwalkers: Waking them up to ask for i.d. would be dangerous.


Al-Qaeda terrorists: Though they would desperately love to vote for Sherrod Brown, many of these individuals are on watchlists.


Vampires: They don’t show up in mirrors or photographs, though like liberals, they’re bloodsuckers who feed on unsuspecting citizens.


Anthony Weiner: Since he is no longer primarily identified by photographs of his face.


Super-rich Democrat donors: They have chauffeurs and therefore don’t need driver’s licenses. Also see ‘celebrities’, above.


Key Democrat constituencies: The homeless, the mentally ill, and other groups likely to be rounded up in busses on election day, driven to the polls, and paid to vote for Democrats.


President Obama: He’d rather use his recently found birth certificate.


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Third Base Politics is an Ohio-centric conservative blog that has been featured at Hot Air, National Review, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and others.

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