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The Americans With No Abilities Act (AWNAA)

Washington, D.C. 28 June, 2011 – The Obama Administration is urging the House of Representatives and the Senate to pass sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many American voters: ‘The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA)’. President Obama said he would sign it as soon as it hits his desk.

The AWNAA is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates for the millions of Americans who have no skills or ambition.

‘Roughly 50 percent of American voters do not possess the competence, skill, or drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society,’ said California Senator Barbara Feinstein, ‘We can no longer stand by and allow voters of such Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant favors, raises, or promotions to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing or succeed in their work assignments. We are going to legalize protection for a lesser class of American voters.’

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader, Nancy Pelosi (D) (whose constituents are voters with chronic inabilities) and Senate Majority Leader, Harry Reid (D) pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, that has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without any regard to performance and has installed overwhelming numbers of non-achiever postal union members to in-office “supervisory” and “manager” positions. Private-sector industries with good records of non-discrimination against the inept include retail sales, including fast-food restaurants (76%), the public utilities / public works industry (70%), construction laborers (67%), and home improvement ‘warehouse’ stores (65%). At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record of hiring Persons of Inability (a whopping 83%).
Under The Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million ‘middle man’ positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real, if any, responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. [Erroneously assuming these Persons of Inability actually give a ****]
Mandatory, periodic, non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to guarantee a sense of upward mobility for even the most inept Persons of Inability. This legislation also provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire at least one clueless, Person of Inability, worker for every two talented and motivated hires.

Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against Persons of Inability, banning, for example, discriminatory employment interview questions such as, ‘Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?’ ‘Can you read or write?’ ‘”Can you perform simple math calculations’ ‘Do you know the difference between six and a half-dozen?’ ‘Do you know what math is?’
‘As a Person of Inability, I can’t be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them,’ said Ken ‘Bubba’ Cox, who lost his position as a lug-nut installer at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to his inability to remember ‘righty-tightey, lefty-loosey.’ ‘This new law will be real good for people like me,’ Cox added. With the passage of this bill, Cox and millions of other Persons of Inability will finally ‘see a light at the end of the tunnel’ without having to do anything.

Said Senator Dick Durbin (D-IL): ‘As a Senator and a person with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that my fellow elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every other American voter with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American voter, regardless of his or her incompetence, inadequacy, or inability with some sort of space for them to take up in this great nation and a good salary and benefits for doing so.’

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Third Base Politics is an Ohio-centric conservative blog that has been featured at Hot Air, National Review, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times, Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, and others.


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